2AM

Have you ever been so hurt, that you can feel it in your bones? Every step that you take, it feels like a challenge. You don't even want to move, you just want to stay in your bed, all day, all night, and be alone. When someone hurts you, generally, your thoughts wound up like this; "why doesn't he love me?" or "What is wrong with me?" or "I will never find someone else that makes me feel the way they do". I have had these thoughts, I have felt this way, and here I am, 1:25am on a Tuesday morning, allowing these thoughts to consume me. Even though I know that things can only get better from here, why does my mind consume of such un-wanting, terrible thoughts. Why is it, when someone gets hurt, all they can think about is what they did to make it go wrong?

I never found myself to be a 'writer'. I had my diaries in elementary school, but never really thought about how physiologically rewarding it actually is. Instead of having negative feelings all bottled inside, writing them out is a way to help cope and release all the negative energy. I used to write in my diaries, and my only audience was myself, and occasionally my mother. Now, my audience is the world. I know people reading this have, or is, in the same situation as I am. Heartbreak sucks, and as Samantha Jones would say, "This love stuff is a motherfucker". When you wait for someone for so long; hoping, wishing, waiting that you will finally start a 'life' together, and then it just ends in the most obscene, unexpected way, that you, nor your heart is ready for. This will be a cruel, emotional rollercoaster, but nevertheless, an experience that helps you grow. It won't be easy, not in the slightest, but you will survive.

Two weeks ago, I was happy. I was content with my life, and I was so excited to begin it with him. Two weeks later, 1:40am, and here I am. My heart sunk to my stomach, my mind with all different emotions, numb being one of them. I would rather feel pain than feel nothing at all, however, right now, feeling nothing is bliss. Is it possible to run out of tears? To cry so much over one human being, that you just cannot cry over them anymore? How is it, that one person can have so much control over you, yet you have no control over them.

I've had more drinks in these past two weeks than I have had in my past nineteen years. I have laughed until I cried. I should be feeling better, and I am. However, the numbness still consumes me. 1:50am, and I am still unable to sleep, unable to think straight.

Maybe everything does happen for a reason. Maybe this happened now, because it was a sign that I should go to Europe. Maybe it is a way to show me how I am so young, and now is the time to find myself, alone. Maybe it will work out in the end, maybe it wont. I realize, I have to be open to the endless possibilities that life now has given me. This is something everyone going through heartbreak needs to understand. If they don't love you, you will find someone who loves you more than you can imagine. Nothing is wrong with you, and if they make you feel like it was your fault, then something is wrong with them. And yes, you will find someone. You will find someone who is better. Someone who treats you better, loves you more, and appreciates your life more than you do. And it will be great.