Deep Thoughts

What happens though, when you complete them, and they don't complete you?

Have you ever felt a broken heart?
I'm not talking about getting broken up with or when someone doesn’t like you back or just a break up in general
I'm talking about real heartbreak the pain in your chest that feels like a knife stabbing your heart. The heart break that consists of
watching your best friend stop caring
watching someone replace you 
losing the most important thing in your life
The heartbreak that will never mend
the one that leaves you alone and helpless the one that people notice
the one that randomly brings tears to your eyes.
This heartbreak is like no other
This heartbreak makes you numb 
from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet
This heartbreak makes you rebellious
This heartbreak makes you stop caring
This heartbreak breaks you
This heartbreak is me

"You’re hurt right now. You’ve been trying to find a way to grab his attention but you just seem to not be able to anymore. You need to move on but you don’t want to because he made you feel amazing. He made you feel that you were his world, that you were the most important person that ever walked in his life. You don’t want to give up because you’ve been through too much and you aren’t ready to let go, but he did. He left, let go like you never meant a thing to him. He was so cold. He never loved you or cared about you. Why are you trying to stay when he’s already gone? "

"If he misses you, he’ll call just to hear your voice. If he wants you, he’ll say it. And if he cares, he’ll show it. If he has a thought about you, it will come out of his mouth. If you are on his mind non stop, he will do anything he can just to see you. If he truly likes you, he won’t let anything get in the way and fight back just to keep you in his arms. If not, he’s not worth your time because you’re obviously not worth his."

“When he says he doesn’t love you anymore, roll your shoulders back and look him in the eye even when it feels like your ribs are breaking inward; like spider legs. When he digs up old aches that he swore he forgave you for, smile and ask him why he didn’t leave you sooner. Ignore the way the words feel like sandpaper running all the way up your throat to your mouth. When he blames you for mistakes that wear his face, do not scream. Do not cry. Tell him that there are boys who would be proud to say they’d love you. Tell him that in two years you won’t even remember his name and don’t let him see the way you can taste your own lie. When he leaves, ignore the howling in your blood and do not get up after him. Not even to lock the door. Do not, do not, DO NOT. Smell his shirts when you box them up to give them back. Not one. Swear off dating when you realize you’re chasing ghosts that wear his smile. It’s okay to cry over him. It’s even okay to forgive him. But do not go back to him if he did not know how to love you the first time. He won’t know how to do it the next.”

^^Quotes from instagram: @nicotineaddixt

Trust. Something that is so hard to give, but so easy to lose. Even when you think you can trust the person with your entire life, you turn out to be wrong. The beginning of any relationship is always magical. It is all 'lovey dovey', but if you really take a deep look, the person who gives you that rush, the butterflies flying all around your stomach, giving you that stupid grin at the most random times of the day, is not really who you think they are. No matter who you are in the relationship, we try to be our very best in the beginning. We avoid all of our flaws, and we pretend to be this perfect, incredible human being, just for someone to love us. As the relationship grows, the reality of the person comes out. It may be good, or can turn to be bad; but the person, that once gave you that rush, the butterflies, and stupid grin, is no longer there. Once they feel like they have you, they stop. They give up on trying to obtain your heart, because they feels like they have it no matter how they treat you... and you allow it. Is it our fault, or is it theirs? Why is it, after the 'honeymoon' phase of any relationship, the love has to die?
^ personal blurb.

CHANGES

I felt like with all the change happening going on in my life, my physical appearance needed to change along with it. I decided to change my hair. Black, and short. I am actually super happy about this change, and it makes it so much easier to put my hair in a bun now.  It also suits my black, grey, and white style way more than my other look. This is one of my new favorite buttoned down tops. I love the faded grey, and the length is perfect, along with the price. I purchased this on Friday from a thrift store in Mississauga, and it was only $6.99. This price can't be beat.  This shirt fits perfectly in my wardrobe, and can't wait to make an outfit post with it. When the weather warms up, street pictures will definitely be posted.

 

Leather jacket- H&M, Shirt- Thrifted, Jeans- Urban Outfitters

2AM

Have you ever been so hurt, that you can feel it in your bones? Every step that you take, it feels like a challenge. You don't even want to move, you just want to stay in your bed, all day, all night, and be alone. When someone hurts you, generally, your thoughts wound up like this; "why doesn't he love me?" or "What is wrong with me?" or "I will never find someone else that makes me feel the way they do". I have had these thoughts, I have felt this way, and here I am, 1:25am on a Tuesday morning, allowing these thoughts to consume me. Even though I know that things can only get better from here, why does my mind consume of such un-wanting, terrible thoughts. Why is it, when someone gets hurt, all they can think about is what they did to make it go wrong?

I never found myself to be a 'writer'. I had my diaries in elementary school, but never really thought about how physiologically rewarding it actually is. Instead of having negative feelings all bottled inside, writing them out is a way to help cope and release all the negative energy. I used to write in my diaries, and my only audience was myself, and occasionally my mother. Now, my audience is the world. I know people reading this have, or is, in the same situation as I am. Heartbreak sucks, and as Samantha Jones would say, "This love stuff is a motherfucker". When you wait for someone for so long; hoping, wishing, waiting that you will finally start a 'life' together, and then it just ends in the most obscene, unexpected way, that you, nor your heart is ready for. This will be a cruel, emotional rollercoaster, but nevertheless, an experience that helps you grow. It won't be easy, not in the slightest, but you will survive.

Two weeks ago, I was happy. I was content with my life, and I was so excited to begin it with him. Two weeks later, 1:40am, and here I am. My heart sunk to my stomach, my mind with all different emotions, numb being one of them. I would rather feel pain than feel nothing at all, however, right now, feeling nothing is bliss. Is it possible to run out of tears? To cry so much over one human being, that you just cannot cry over them anymore? How is it, that one person can have so much control over you, yet you have no control over them.

I've had more drinks in these past two weeks than I have had in my past nineteen years. I have laughed until I cried. I should be feeling better, and I am. However, the numbness still consumes me. 1:50am, and I am still unable to sleep, unable to think straight.

Maybe everything does happen for a reason. Maybe this happened now, because it was a sign that I should go to Europe. Maybe it is a way to show me how I am so young, and now is the time to find myself, alone. Maybe it will work out in the end, maybe it wont. I realize, I have to be open to the endless possibilities that life now has given me. This is something everyone going through heartbreak needs to understand. If they don't love you, you will find someone who loves you more than you can imagine. Nothing is wrong with you, and if they make you feel like it was your fault, then something is wrong with them. And yes, you will find someone. You will find someone who is better. Someone who treats you better, loves you more, and appreciates your life more than you do. And it will be great.

CHANGES

DAVE HAUSE- SAME DISEASE

 

2015 is finally starting to come together. The year of changes, definitely. I just finished completing my application for studying abroad. I really hope that it works out. Living in Europe has always been a dream of mine, and having the experience to get an education while doing so is great. This year is all about being solo. Doing my own thing with no one and nothing holding me back. It started off shitty, but I can finally see why everything really does happen for a reason. I think most times than not, we are afraid to let go of things because of the feeling of security, and love, although, letting go of that one thing might be the right thing to do. I never noticed this before, but finally, I have opened my eyes. People, especially around my age, need to be alone to see what they really want and need in their life. If you are never by yourself, you will always view the world through someone else's eyes, because you don't want to lose them, or cause a fight. Since the year began, I have gone through more than a few rough days, some harder than others. Although it has only been a few weeks of this change in my life, I see it was a good thing. I can find myself, by myself. Europe will only help me grow. School is getting hectic now, but I am growing from this as well. Meeting new people, learning new things; this is all part of the process of growing up. Although I have been changing day by day, my style has not. Still black on black, always.

 

 

 

ADVENTURE WITH JULES

 

This is a new project I am working on. You can click on the link on the home page adventurewithjules and it will redirect you to my new blog page, all about travel.  I hope you enjoy it and gain some insight. :)  here is the link if you can't find it (or too lazy to go back :p) ...

 

www.adventurewithjules.blogspot.com

NEW YEAR - NEW ADVENTURE

For the new year, I feel big changes coming my way. 2015 is all about adventure. I am finally at a point in my life where I feel I can be myself, and live my life to the absolute fullest. Traveling has always been my dream, and is something I will definitely accomplish. 2015 is just the start of my adventure. To begin the new year, I began a small jar called "Bucket List Money". This will consist of all the change I find lying around. Eventually, I will gain enough to hopefully buy a flight to anywhere in Europe, and from there, my journey will begin. To start the 'New Year, New Adventure' attitude, I am visiting Bahamas for a week in March. I am beyond excited for this. Although this isn't Europe, it is a new place that I have never been to, and I am sure will be beautiful and filled with new experiences that will shape me. Now I don't believe in that whole, "New Year, New Me" bullshit, because it really is just another day. A different year frame does not change a person, but the person itself. I have not wanted to create adventure this year just because it is a different year and I want to change, but I gradually put my thoughts into doing so. Time goes by so fast, and many people do not realize this. I am almost done my second year of Fashion Management, and am turning 20 this year. Life is flashing before my eyes, and I still have the entire world to see. I always hear people, especially my family, preach about how traveling is too expensive, and I have to think about my future. I honestly believe, I cannot start my future if I don't see what the world has to offer. My future can begin in Switzerland, or Germany, or New York, and I wouldn't know because I wouldn't have the chance to go if all I thought about was money. Of course, money is definitely a big decision in my travels, because I am not going anywhere if I can't pay for it, but as I have heard before, "Traveling is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer".  This quote cannot be more true. I have been fortunate enough to see Washington, New York, parts of Spain, and Paris, along with different resorts along the Caribbean; yet, I still feel emptiness. I know there is so much more waiting for me. New adventures for me to go through, new struggles & success, new people to meet, new opportunities, and new losses. This is what life is all about, after all. I would go mad if I settle for something that is "safe". Life is not about being safe, life is about stepping beyond the boundaries and finding yourself. What fun is it sitting in an office working 8-4 five days a week, doing something you absolutely hate, daily. Sure, having an 8-4 job five days a week is amazing in the long run when you have a family, and want to settle down, however, you must love what you do. I want to be able to have experiences and knowledge in all cultures to tell others. When I work for a company, I want to be able to bring my knowledge about the world with me, to help myself and others around me succeed. Something to think about... Are you really living if you haven't seen what life has to offer? People that haven't experienced the world have missed out incredibly. No matter what age, traveling is essential. Along the way, you find yourself, and fate will do the rest. You could end up doing something entirely different than your original life plan, something you are destined to do, if you only take the chance.